Loneliness..

Loneliness is a depressing feeling, but I find the concept rather interesting.. Something which is with you when there is nobody.. so you are never actually alone.. 'main aur meri tanhai..' I have actually experienced this phenomenon, talking to my loneliness or rather myself. And now I see my daughter do it so often. I guess most of us do it as kids, few continue it after growing up, and fewer after they are married and have kids. I still do it at times.. and when I do it now, I sometimes write it down. That explains the considerable number of unpublished posts in my blog, infact, the published ones also are sorts of soliloquy. It is not that I am lacking for company.. mostly I feel pressed for time, have always so much to do and so many to attend to. But at times, I like to be with me, just myself.. and enjoy my own company. Another thing that I really like and have been doing since I forget when, is stepping beside my ego, and observing myself as a third person would do.. It provides me with such surprising insights. Writing down my thoughts and reading them at a later point of time, in a different mood is an exercise with similar results. All help me in getting closer to myself, knowing myself better. And vain as I may sound, it is actually important. At times, it really surprises me to see how little people know about themselves, things that are so obvious to everybody around but to the person himself! And then, I think they are so much like my daughter, who knows her parents, her nanny and the dogs in the neighbourhood, but wonders who the baby in the mirror is..

Another of my trademark, uninteresting to all but me posts...

It is midnight, a lovely Saturday just over, making way for a not-so-promising Sunday.. and I am at my laptop desperately trying to catch up some of the work which I have been deftly procrastinating all through the last week. Flexibility at work is a double-edged sword. It works wonders for sincere people and plunders the less fortunate, the kind I belong to, folks who would give their right hand to avoid work. My employer allows me to push off early and pick up work from home. I do follow the first half of the term stated religiously, but mostly miss out on the remaining half. And there begins my misery.. 2 weeks into the job, and I am already overloaded, work piling up on my not so capable shoulders, and an ever aching back. And here comes the cause of all my tribulations, my little bundle of joy, and my big bunch of trouble. Active and alert as she always is at all such unheavenly hours, she approaches me a wide grin, flashing all of her 4+4 teeth, crawling at an impressive pace. She has successfully put her nanny to sleep, and is probably paying me a courtesy visit.. 'just came to check on you mom, still working, eh?' And following suit is my husband, tired and drowsy, asking me to take charge of the baby. He has been taking care of the baby all evening, he gently reminds me. I am mincing words, but you get the idea, right? I refrain from refresing in his memory the fact that I have been doing the same for the last 5 evenings leading to accumulation of my work, while he sits late in the office, finishing off his. It wouldn't help either of us.. Rather I timidly request him to kindly bear with me for another half an hr or so, after which I shall resume my nightly motherly duties. These involve pacifying the baby at all the odd times she decides to scream her lungs out for reasons completely unknown to me, preparing formula for her whenever she looks and sounds hungry coupled with other trivial tasks like pulling her back everytime she threatens to jump off the bed, putting her under the quilt the umpteen times she kicks it off and protecting my rather delicate frame from plausible damage whenever she gets down to practising some kicking and punching.. I am so glad I get to escape all these 'pleasures of motherhood' during the time of the day I spend in the calm interiors of my air conditioned office. But then, this five-day-a-week liberation comes at a price. That which I am paying right now, burning the midnight oil, rather electricity in my case. Gotta run now.. lest my husband blows off his fuse.. Mom reporting for duty, Madame..

Its my first birthday!!!

Yeah.. you read it right.. today is my first birthday, as a Mom. Last year, this very day I made a fresh beginning as my daughter entered this world. It was as new and unpredictable to me as to her.. Though she got born at half past ten in the morning, I gained consciousness only in the evening, and thats when I saw her first.. she was all wrapped up in sheets, only her tiny face was visible. And I could recognize her immediately, thanks to the numerous 2D and 3D scans that i had been through. She was actually the baby I had carried around for so long but it was altogether a different feeling as I held her in my arms. I would be lying if I say there was a sudden surge of motherly love when i first saw her. What I actually felt was more of confusion coupled with some disappointment. New-borns are seldom pretty and mine wasn't even round n cuddly.. And then, all that I had undergone to have her, right from the quesiness that I felt the first day of my pregnancy and which persisted till the last, to the fluid injected throughout the last month, and the planned ceaserean, all made me wonder if she was really worth all the effort. I certainly wasn't a very proud mother.

We both have come a long way from there. My daughter, we call her Pari, has grown up from a tiny newborn to a bright and completely amiable toddler. And I am now an exceptionally proud and indulgent mom. What an eventful year it has been! I lack the words to put down my thoughts, so I would rather put it in pictures. But hold on.. there is something we are missing..

'Happy Birthday' Pari, you are really my little fairy..