Monday, September 17, 2007

For Him..

Why do we always end up hurting people we love the most? Those closest to us get the best and the worst of us. Probably the fact that they are so very close to us works against them. For one, if we are lucky enough to be geographically close, we spend most of our time together and that gives us ample opportunity to mess up stuff. Then our deep interest in each other's lives and wellbeing, often without an equally deep understanding leads to more issues. And then there are expectations... Expectations out of each other, expectation out of a relationship.. You can really expect them to ruin your relationships.

Yesterday, I had a bad fight with the person closest to me.. the fact that I am married makes it a giveaway. You can not actually call it a fight since I did all the talking and believe me, I am truly disappointed with myself. I still strongly believe in all that I said, and am willing to fight for it again... it was the manner in which things proceeded, that left me feeling so guilty. I practically waited for things to pile up and then tried clearing it off, all in one go. I had tried, but probably not hard enough to nip it in the bud. Some more sincere effort could have certainly helped. Also, we treat strangers and people who-do-not-matter with more respect and consideration than those who mean the world to us. Somewhere in our subconscious, we very well know that the person is so attached to us that come what may, he would never turn back on us, and we use it to our advantage. I did just that, blurting out just anything that I felt like saying, without giving any thought at all to his sensitivity. And in the end, after two and a half hours of playing the blame game, whose loss was it? Mine, and mine alone! That is the irony of the whole thing. When we hurt someone so dear to us, it is us who suffer the most. I was sad because he was sad, and sadder because it was me who was responsible for his sadness. Anyways, that is really no excuse.. And I wish to apologize, more for the sake of my own peace than to make up for his agony. I am sorry nonu, I really am!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Early morning blues..

It is 8.30 am, tuesday, friday still so far off morning and here am I, sitting in the office with a persistant headache and no inclination whatsoever to work. My headache can be attributed to acute shortage of proper sleep, not surprising considering that my daughter has just turned 8 months old, and still has trouble sleeping at a stretch. She wakes me up thrice every night and thrice I put her back to sleep when finally at around 5 in the morning she gets really worked up. She begins by purring softly in my ears followed by some rough kicking in my tummy accompanied by pulling at my hair. Now that she has grown 2 tiny teeth, she uses them to her advantage dexterously. Usually I am too drowsy to take notice, and if it actually starts bothering me, I tactfully turn her legs towards my husband. It used to work fine till last month, my husband would snore off peacefully oblivious of all the thrashing going on. However, now that her motoring skills have improved quite a bit, she re-orients herself to target me again. Also, if all that fails, she resorts to her good old screaming which is a proven success. Whatever it takes, I am not allowed to sleep past 6 am. It may not look so early to some disciplined people out there, but believe me, it is excruciating for me.. more so coz' I go to bed only after midnight. Babies have an amazing sense of time.. My daughter is a 'whenever to sleep, early to rise' person. I just hope she continues being this way when she starts school :) Anyways, 6 o'clock I get out of the bed and make a nice big bottle of formula for her only to realise that she is not all that hungry. She eagerly takes the bottle only to refuse it some two-and-a-half minutes and half-an-ounce later. All she probably wants is some quality time with me before I get ready for the office. For some reason, she is extremely playful and lively in the mornings, though she has the same amount of sleep and rest as me, and considerably less than that taken by the rest of the family. She is so bright, almost scintillating, smiling just too often, and giggling even more, delightfully throwing her little arms and legs just anywhere. Quite recently, she has learnt to wave her arms, both in sync when you say 'bye' and some other forms of greeting as well, so she gleefully begins the practice right away... all this until another hour passes by and it is time for me to leave for work.. The mood suddenly changes when I pick up my purse and put on my shoes. Her antics stop abruptly and she looks so lost and out of sync, probably trying hard to figure out what takes me away from her for so long every day. She does not wave her arms when I say bye.. rather she stretches them out, her tiny fingers trying to hold my sleeve and her naughty grin replaced by a look I lack the courage to pen down. But I move into the car swiftly ignoring my little daughter, fighting my own guilt laden conscience..