..fifteen again! I have been in a strange mood for a couple of weeks now, feeling like writing a lot of nonsensical, not-so-pleasant, unhappy-with-life stuff. At such times, I really regret having shared my blog with people I know. I mean I had managed to keep it under covers for over an year, and then someday, suddenly I had this feeling of well-being, the feeling that everything has finally fallen into place and I would not need to sulk in a dark corner ever.. read, put up an anonymous post, that my life is in a shape good enough to be shared with the world. Also, I was inspired by the way people use their blogs to log and share their experiences, their pictures and their babies' antics. Yes.. that reminds me, it was when I started writing about Pari and posting her pictures that I shared the blog. And now, I know that the family follows. My little cousins do, even though they never comment. And I cannot write things that could potentially scandalize them.
The last paragraph was a digression, if you can call it that, considering that my whole intention is to ramble. Today is one of those days, when I feel lonelier than Eve and miss home immensely. I wish to be 15 years old again, and sit by the window in what used to be my room, overlooking the garden, some random book in my lap, our National-Panasonic radio playing old Hindi cinema music in the background. I wish it would be an afternoon in July, the surroundings all green because of the shower in the morning, the sky still overcast, and the wind flipping over the pages of my book while I look out from the window. I wish to go back to the days when I had no job, no financial concerns, no husband, no baby, no excess baggage, and no worldly wisdom.. just my parents and my grandparents, people who love me unconditionally for what I am. And yes, my little sis who would be 2 years old and worships the ground that I walk. She would be my daughter's age, but mean much more to me than her. My baby sister was so unlike Pari. She was much more innocent, had large eyes and threw no tantrums that I can remember of. Being the third child with siblings 10 years your senior, makes you different. But it surely doesn't make you any lesser. Pari would never know what having an elder sister means.. Vatu always looked up to me, and with far more reverence than I can ever expect out of Pari. Here here.. I always get carried away when I talk of Vatu. However, wishes are not horses yet, so I guess I would wait some more to fly.. and sleep through the night with an aching heart..